“Lift up your eyes to the Lord, he is always near, he waits for you to call on to Him.”

This whispered to me this morning..

I relented and began to speak to my Father, and again my heart was lifted and again I felt his presence surround me and his love fill me.

I know very well what my heart needs, but yet time and time again I let other things fill me up only to come back with emptiness. I go to other things that keep me busy, keep me entertained, and they do just that.  They “keep me”.  I am more tired, more lost, more confused, and even more empty.

The past couple of weeks I’ve had a career change and the beginning of getting started and being busy overtook me. I also had to deal with personal family issues, ministry changes, and possibly start a family with my husband. All of these things are life changing things and they all hit me at once in just a matter of weeks. I felt like I was drowning deeper and deeper into a pit. All of those things were important to me,
and I felt they were things that needed to be done, but why then did I feel empty and at a loss? I began to think out loud, “Wait, wait a second.. is this really what God wants for me? Why then do I feel tired and empty, and now even more confused at where I’m supposed to be?” I was looking outwardly for the things of the world to give me rest and peace. 
I would sit and watch my favorite shows to get my mind off of things. I would keep myself busy with the list of “things to do” and go 100 miles an hour trying to get them all accomplished, and when I was done I would tell myself. “Good job, it was a productive day today!” I would cook and clean and do my wife duties and tell myself, “I’m an overachiever I do it all! Becoming like the Proverbs 31 woman perhaps?”

Proverbs 31:10-17

10 Who can find a noble wife?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband trusts her completely.
    She gives him all the important things he needs.
12 She brings him good, not harm, all
  the days of her life.
13 She chooses wool and flax.
    She loves to work with her hands.
14 She is like theships of traders.
    She brings her food from far away.
15 She gets up while it is still dark.
    She provides food for her family.
    She also gives some to her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it.
    She uses some of the money she earns to plant a
vineyard.
17 She gets ready to work hard.

Yes! That is what I am working towards, and I work very hard to get there!

Truth is, I find myself exhausted trying to keep everything going in our lives and balanced, and do well in my career too.  We don’t even have kids yet, and here I am already exhausted.  I felt defeated. I felt like a failure. I began to doubt myself, and fear began to fill me.  Could I really have a family if it were here right now? Could I be the kind of wife my husband needs considering everything more I would need to attend to?  Could my career be successful with even more details added to it? Can I really accomplish all of it and be content, happy, joyful?


I didn’t have the answers for that. I felt before I even began I was already becoming defeated.

I was listening to a sermon on the radio yesterday. It was about not making God a priority in our lives. We tend to give God what’s left of us.  We will say a prayer right before we go to bed, or give thanks to him before we eat our meal.  We will call on him only when we need Him to answer our prayer, to do something for us. 

“Do something for us”, that selfish mentality again. It’s always about us, what we want, what we need, what we like, what we prefer. When we say we choose God to be Lord over our lives, Are we saying that in how we live our lives? When we say, God I trust you.  Are we really showing that by our attitude towards how things affect us when it doesn’t go our way? Is that trust?

So this morning when I awoke, I knew my heart was in need and in hunger for his word. I began to pray and confess my thoughts and feelings to the Lord. I let myself receive Him, and I dove into the word.

 I read John 21 and 22. 

“The disciples are beginning their day like any other day.  Since they are fishermen, they decide to go out fishing.  They fish all night and come up with nothing. In the morning, they are feeling defeated, and tired.
Across the shore, a man in the distance shouts to them, “Haven’t you caught any fish?”
They respond, “No.”
He tells them,
“Throw your net to the right, and you will find some.” 

They do this and surely enough, a load of fish so large and
spilling over fills up their net. They realize the man in the distance is Jesus.
They sat around with Jesus, took bread and ate fish. 

Jesus asks Simon Peter, “Do you truly love me more than these?” 
He responds, “Yes Lord, you know that I love you”.
 Jesus says, “Feed my lambs”.
 He asks him 3 times and again Simon Peter says “Yes I love you Lord.” And again Jesus responds, “Feed my lambs, take care of my sheep.”

 I didn’t finish that reading without tears falling down from my eyes.  I was touched by this response from Jesus.  He asked, Do you love me? And then he responded, “Then feed my lambs, take care of my sheep.” I thought about that. My lamb, my sheep that Jesus has put in my responsibility are my family, my friends, my children that I teach on Sundays, the young adults at my church that I care so much about, my neighbors. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Each time I have given of my time and devote myself to “one of these” I never run out of love to give, I don’t grow weary. Instead I find so much joy and peace when I give to “one of these”. This is exactly what Jesus asks me to do. He tells me to Feed his lambs, and take care of his sheep.  All the other things are details in my life that I don’t need to focus all of my energy into. He promises he will be with us.

I leave you with this.

Matthew 6:33

 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

 Let this verse sit with you today dear friend, let it rest in your spirit, and may you find peace in it, and answer the question Jesus asks, “Do you love me?”

Sunday:
Sunday School: 9:30 - 10:30 a.m.
Worship Service: 10:45 - 12:00 a.m.

Home Bible Study:
Friday Evening: 7:00 - 8:00 p.m.
We take turns hosting Friday night's bible study. Please call Pastor Meng for location.

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